A friend alerted me to a post on Anita Erskine’s Facebook page two weeks ago, saying “read the comments”. The minute i saw that, i knew in my gut i needed to do anything BUT read the comments! I had to keep it moving, knowing NOTHING good would come of it.
I resisted for as long as i could, just as i resisted writing about it, because i have nothing constructive, analytical or objective to say. But it has been gnawing at me, so here I am, extremely frustrated and looking for answers. Sigh.
This is the original post:
Here’s an email that came to us at StarrFM today: Dear Bolanita my husband is an extremely violent man. When he loses his temper, nothing and no one can control what he will do. Bolanita two weeks ago, he didn’t come home on Thursday and Friday. Early Saturday morning, his brother called to say my husband is in counterback. Unbeknownst to me, my husband has been seeing a lady in his office. Apparently they had a misunderstanding and he beat her! She reported him to the police and is now getting ready to be arraigned before court. Bolanita not only is this a shock to me but the girl’s lawyer had the nerve to reach out to me and tell me that if my husband has been beating me, then this is an opportunity to testify against him! In fact Bolanita would it be foolish for me to testify? We have no children and I have NOTHING to loose!
Deep breath Now i suppose i can see how she would be conflicted here. She is still processing developments, feels no obligation/kinship towards the mistress (obviously) and for all we know is suffering from some degree of Stockholm and/or Battered Person Syndrome. Perhaps the prosecution can make a strong case without her serving as a character witness. I’m trying not to side-eye her, because she’s clearly suffered.
But the COMMENTS under the post though? Heaven help me.. i’m definitely judging…hard.
Honestly do you love your husband?! U never went to the police so why wud u be allies with a husband snatcher. For all u know they used to laugh @ u. My advise is support ur husband till the end and if u feel u need a divorce, just do tht but never give out to the dogs to chew. U will regret joining this fool who used to share your husband with u. Defend ur husband!
You have nothing…. what about your vows of “for better or worse”. Madam the worse is here, and it’s time to live up to your words. I’m not suggesting you go rallying support for him but make sure u do what you can do- showing up in court, sending him food or change of clothes etc etc. Stay out of the case and watch everything unfold. For all you know, he may learn a great lesson from this unfortunate situation and change his ways. If you see him and he attempts apologizing don’t say anything…… observe him keenly to see if this episode has caused a genuine change in how he handles his temper. Most importantly pray for him and your self. You need to heal from this betrayal. All the best…
I can imagine the misery of your marriage. Cuz then u wl b too careful not to offend him fr fear of being hit. U cnt even play with him for fear of being offended. Gv honor to ur husband by being in his defense. Do not let the wolves get into ur marriage. Stand by him and get him out. Afterwards gv urself the honor of divorcing him because it’s d only thing d Bible agrees for couples to go on their separate ways. The pain of loosing you would serve as a bitter lesson and that is Karma being served cold without unnecessary drama
Wait, did i mention the thread participants were almost exclusively women, and the first two comments were the most liked by an overwhelming margin? Yeah…no.
Now i’ve touched on some of these ideas before:
How our religious insitutions often peddle harmful rhetoric
How our society seems to be obsessed with marriage and whatever perceived benefits marital status grants
How attitudes towards violence against women are slack at best
But i’m not sure i’ve seen a starker example of how these notions combine into a paradigm of thinking that is downright insidious.
A thread-ful of women, encouraging another woman to stay with her abusive cheat of a husband because……. ??????????????
How did we get here, and more importantly how can we get out? We’ve got to do better than this. When you go online, you see people referring to other women as “feminists” with a derisive snicker. But gadderm if we don’t urgently need that counter perspective. Even from those among us who have taken feminist theory to such an extreme as to become a self parody. ( I gotta admit some of them do the most. lol)
I have been sitting here thinking i need do a high-school tour, lecturing young women about domestic violence, and self actualization or something.
Because warris dils? And if there are any ladies or gents out there that are involved with organizations that have a similar mandate please reach out to me.
That’s it… peace, love and light till next time. xx